Have you ever found porn under a countryside hedge? Recently Dr Kate Lister wrote in the “i” newspaper about hedge porn. She was so intrigued by the subject that she took a survey and discovered, unsurprisingly, those that had found hedge porn were most likely to be men born in the 1970’s.
This is hardly surprising for two reasons:
Firstly, in the internet age printed pornographic magazines have become a rarity. Gone are the days when the newsagent had a top row of largely pornographic magazines just out of reach of young boys. Even the mild titillation of topless ladies on page three of the Sun is no more. Nowadays far stronger material is freely available online.
Secondly, the reason men would be more likely to have found hedge porn is that they are more likely than ladies to have nipped behind a hedge for a call of nature.
This got me to thinking what I have found in hedges. I used to be an Agricultural Bank manager and my first portfolio consisted of clients as far south as Bungay in Suffolk up to Lincoln. Some days I would see my first client in Suffolk or Norfolk early in the morning and work my way back to my home in Spalding, Lincolnshire seeing up to eight clients in a day that lasted up to 16 hours. This often involved the need to nip behind a rural hedge to have a pee. So what did I find?
One of my worst find was the decomposing carcass of a stag roe deer that had had its head chopped off by poachers. The smell was awful. Dead cats always smell equally bad. I have found a dead sheep, skinned with most of the meat removed, a horrendous crime.
Of a similar sad nature, but not as unpleasant, was the completely decomposed, bleached skeleton of a badger. What made the discovery bizarre was that it had become so entangled with the hedge that it had decomposed in a perfect standing position giving the impression of a walking badger skeleton. I imagine it had been clipped by a vehicle and crawled into the hedge to die in agony.
Occasionally I would find money, the highest denomination being a £5 note. Coins were usually 50 pence pieces, although I did find a commemorative silver jubilee crown once. Discarded wallets were sometimes found, possibly the by-product of car crime.
Other items were discarded pills. Some items were downright filthy, used condoms, soiled disposable nappies, soiled underwear and clothes covered in blood, and discarded bottles full of urine.
Much of what I would see would be discarded rubbish with Costa Coffee, McDonalds and Stella Beer cans being the biggest contributors. One thing that I would marvel at would be the plastic Lucozade bottle with rubbish stuffed inside with great care before being ejected out of a vehicle window. Yes a person can take enough care to fold crisp packets and other packaging small enough to go inside a bottle, but then cannot be bothered to take said bottle home to their own dustbin.
However, one of the best finds I had was in a hedgerow in Norfolk. I was having a pee behind a hedge when I spied trapped in the hedge at my eye level a teddy bear, in dusty, but otherwise good condition. I took him home, and after a spin in my washing machine gave him to my kids, who aptly named him “Bramble”. Bramble has become a much loved member of the family and even featured in a small video I made for my kids.
What have you found in or under a hedge?