First of all I thank my great Irish friend Jonathan Swift for his inspiration.
Having done so much to serve and instruct the agricultural community without any advantage to myself I have decided on a great project to the benefit of all farmers and at the same time produce a great and handsome revenue to myself.
I propose to print, by subscription, in 96 large volumes an exact and precise guide on how to farm. In doing so I propose to collect with great care from 999 learned, pious and self-righteous authors taking care that none of them are farmers. This is because sense dictates that if a farmer has time to write they clearly are not a competent farmer, for if they were they would be busy with the plough (or should I say the direct drill) rather than the pen.
The whole work, illustrated with pretty maps and agreeable pictures will cost £80 each volume to subscribers with this payment supplemented by a levy on each grain, vegetable and head of livestock sold, thus doubling the income to myself.
The contributors will have no preconceptions on how to run a farm well, for such knowledge would be tainted by an existing view and thus limit the farmer to the practical, everyday knowledge that already exists. Rather it will take in great wisdoms from such twitterati and oracles as George Monibot and Ben Goldsmith for such great men are not tainted by the dirt of the soil on their hands, sweat on their brow, and debt on their balance sheets.
The wisdom held in these volumes will be so great that statute will compel each farmer to have it on their bookshelves and once verified on a zoom call BASIS points will be awarded for having it on your shelf. Indeed it is well known that any publication holds its value in the amount of dust it gathers, especially if the covers remain pristine.
Any potential contributor is welcome to contact me. Please be assured I will check their non-farming credentials. Afterall, no-one experiencing the personal risk of agriculture can be capable of wise words, for they are more profitably employed on the land following the wisdom of others.
So, as I proceed with this great undertaking if you wish to get ahead of the curve I will accept payment by Paypal, credit card, cheque, cash or bitcoin into my Swiss Bank account. Contact me for details.